I had a BLAST this past Saturday.   Mardi Gras at the bar where my child bartends.  It is 2 days later and I am still dragging ass.   I slept all but 5 hours yesterday.  nice.....it has been years since I was able to sleep that much.  I cannot wait to get home tonight to sleep some more.  She will be managing another place on the south side.   That is a far drive for me.......I might look to buy something there....that would be nice.

Well....

I forgot what I was going to write...OH...yeah...

Who the hell are you to tell me how to spend MY money?  If I want to buy a fricking angel for my yard from the fricking dollar store...or even a million of them....I CAN...I EARNED MY MONEY.....Damn.....GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

Just sitting here at work, and that damn day when she started criticizing my yard decor....popped into my head.....wtf.....

I love my house.....

 Not even kidding.

Do you really have to eat that?  We will be eating in a little over 4 hours.

You could really stand to loose some weight.

Here is a diet that should work for you.

Try this diet, I lost 5 lbs.

your make up makes you look like a hooker.

no, you just look like a hooker.

Do you have to be so loud?

your voice carries for MILES....

Shhhh...the neighbors might hear.

If you cant say anything nice, dont say it at all

But its your brother.

We cant spend money for clothes for you, we have to get them for Marc.  He has such expensive tastes.

I wish you were never born

We didnt even have a girls name picked out.  We wanted a boy.

I swore at your father for getting me pregnant with you.

We didnt know what to do with 4 kids.  We were only children

you were HORRIBLE HORRIBLE children, all four of you...and look how you turned out.

you never listen

you dress like a hooker.

you dont parent your children right--make sure their clothes are perfect.  Said the first time the 3 year old tries to dress herself.

you dont do anything right.

And she asks me if there is anything that she says over and over that I hate like her mother did to her.   Sigh...and i told her no....

And dont forget the dont sleep late, you will throw off your sleep pattern and be up all night.


Oh yes...whatever you do, just stand in the door while dad was banging my head on the floor by my hair---while sitting on my chest, strattling me with his knees on my arms to keep me from getting away.

Well-- that was just how things were done back then.

You had to watch your siblings starting when you were 11 because we needed to both have jobs and go to school at night to feed you.

We never left you alone, with Dawn in charge........but we cannot explain where we were when Marc cracked his skull open, Kevin broke his collar bone, and Lisa fell on the radiator and cracked HER skull open...leaving a child without a car or any way of getting help in charge.

Do you know how much this will cost us?  1st thing said to Kevin while he is laying on a hospital gurney waiting for xrays for the broken collar bone.

Holy Cow....

Well...now...I CANNOT believe it has been a whole year.

I feel a little better.  I think my emotional turmoil has manifested itself in physical ailments.  But we all keep trucking along.

My youngest child moved out Dec 2011.  Good thing....now I am alone with my thoughts (which could be a bad thing), but I like myself more and more, and that can only be a good thing.  I dont like myself when I feel mad and angry at someone else for not being perfect.  But now tell me, what boy will ever be perfect for my daughters, either of them.

But they seem to be doing well for themselves...which I take full credit for...lol.  Partial credit anyway.  The fact that they are doing so well makes me happy.   I still see everyone, but I dont have to make full 3 course meals every night, smell the boy, see him sitting in my furniture, downloading viruses....the usual.  It is refreshing to go home, lock the door, and not have to worry about it after I go to bed.  Because I know it is done.

I can eat as little or as much as I want.   I can do dishes or laundry if I want, or not, because there are not other people trying to do their stuff....I hear i am supposed to be feeling very sad and alone.  Am I a bad person for not feeling these things?  I am the only one in the house...I wonder if that is why I am not experiencing empty nest syndrome.   Leave it to me though...to have everything wrong with me that can happen....especially if I hear that it should happen.   No, not really.  When I heal emotionally and physically I will venture out...and maybe open my heart again.   BIG maybe.  I might just do what guys do, one night stands....

I am trying to be more positive, like I am positive that everyone else is a moron.  I am positive that even though you have a PhD--you more than likely are an idiot when it comes to anything that happens outside a classroom or office.   BUT you have the gall to look down upon me....and whatever you do, dont admit that you could fail at something.  Sigh.....or admit that someone that does not have a PhD might be better at something than you.   sad for you. That goes for old people too.   So I would rather be alone than be surrounded by so many judgmental people.  I work with them all.   How many times a day can someone put you down before you feel bad about yourself?   Maybe I should sue for abuse.  Can you sue your job for emotional abuse???

I am tired though...and trying to turn things around.